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How To Make Long-Distance Relationships Work, According To Therapists

Francesca Bond
Author:
February 28, 2024
Francesca Bond
Relationships Editor
By Francesca Bond
Relationships Editor
Francesca Bond is mindbodygreen's relationships editor.
woman looking out window on plane
Image by Angela Lumsden / Stocksy
February 28, 2024
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Whether you're embarking on a new relationship with someone who lives far from you, you're moving away from your partner, or your partner has started traveling a lot for work—distance poses its own set of challenges (and benefits!) to romantic relationships.

It's normal for distance to feel a bit daunting, but there are plenty of skills both you and your partner can learn in order to give your relationship the best chance at surviving, and even thriving, the distance.

Common long-distance relationship challenges

Can distance make the heart grow fonder? Sure, but probably not without a little hardship.

The physical distance within long-distance relationships can leave partners feeling a lack of intimacy—physically and emotionally, according to licensed clinical social worker Alyssa Casimiro, LCSW.

Without the built-in communication that comes from living with your partner, or seeing them multiple times a week, long-distance relationships can also experience communication barriers, Casimiro says.

Jealousy can also rear its ugly head in long-distance relationships (as it can in every kind of relationship) because of a longing for shared experiences, says licensed marriage and family therapist Annalyse Lucero, M.S., LMFT, LSAA.

Lastly, long-distance relationships tend to be tested when goals for the future change for either partner.

"Long-distance couples I've worked with find that challenges arise when life goals change, when one person wants to move forward with children or marriage, or responsibilities shift in their dynamic," Lucero says. "This is also true for temporary changes, like being sick or having big things to celebrate."

But what relationship lacks challenges? There are lots of skills that each partner within a long-distance relationship can learn that can keep their love alive.

Tips for making long-distance relationships work

1. Know why it's worth putting in the effort

Putting in the hard work needed to keep a long-distance relationship happy and healthy becomes a lot easier when you understand its value.

"Being in a relationship is a choice," Lucero says. "If you find yourself choosing this person, despite the obstacles that arise, then it is worth it."

Pay attention to the strength of your emotional connection with your partner, Casimiro advises. If both of you are willing to work on your relationship, maintain communication, and share relationship goals, then those are signs that the relationship is worth preserving, she says.

You could also try writing a gratitude list of things you enjoy about your partner and your relationship. It may come in handy when times get tough.

2. Communication is everything

It always comes down to communication.

Strong communication is, of course, essential in a long-distance relationship, given the potential problems that arise when you aren't able to spend much time around your partner. When people in long-distance relationships talk openly about their emotional, physical, and communication needs on an ongoing basis, they can increase feelings or trust, security, and intimacy, according to Casimiro.

What does clear and honest communication look like? An ability to express your needs and feelings to your partner (and listen to theirs), for starters. Long-distance relationships especially "thrive on intimacy developed through talking, texting, sending snaps, and sharing memes," Lucero says.

"All ways that typical relationships bond, but I find that couples in long-distance relationships often go deeper and share more vulnerability in these moments," Lucero says. "If you feel a deep connection over shared moments when you're apart, you may be able to overcome long-distance relationship challenges."

Keep in mind that the ideal amount of communication differs for every relationship.

"It's important to have an open and honest conversation with your partner about what your communication needs and expectations are. This may also shift over time, depending on what is going on in your lives," Casimiro says. "Have ongoing open conversations about communication and connecting with each other and identifying any potential barriers such as work schedules, time zone differences, etc."

3. Set clear boundaries early on

Long-distance relationships, in particular, benefit from a bit of planning.

Partners should be clear about the expectations and boundaries they have for the relationship early on, according to Casimiro. And these aren't the kinds of conversations you only have once—they should continue throughout your relationship.

"Being clear about boundaries and expectations in the relationship is essential for long-distance couples," Lucero says. "These boundaries will be unique to each couple, and there is no right or wrong answer if the couple is making them together."

4. Schedule virtual dates

It can be difficult to feel like you're missing out on so many of the thrills of dating, such as going out together, when you're apart. But with a little creativity, you can find ways to adapt to your situation and still have date nights filled with quality time (even if they look a little different now).

"Special moments that you'd typically share in person can bring a lot of grief if you're routinely missing out on each other's life," Lucero says.

Schedule regular virtual dates to create moments of bonding while apart. You could cook dinner together over FaceTime, play multiplayer video games together, or hit play on a movie at the exact same time.

Virtual date nights help to ease feelings of resentment and frustration that can creep up alongside difficulties to align schedules for in-person dates that require traveling.

5. Book a plane ticket

Virtual dates are great and all, but nothing beats seeing your partner in person.

It's helpful to plan visits to each other so you can bridge the physical distance sometimes (especially if one of your love languages is physical touch).

So much joy can be derived from feelings of anticipation. By scheduling trips to visit one another on a somewhat regular basis, you can enjoy both seeing your partner and anticipating the next time you'll be together.

Again—there is no "right" number of times to visit each other. It all depends on what works for your relationship.

6. Don't shy away from conflict

Most people don't enjoy conflict—but that doesn't mean it should be avoided.

Conflict can appear for many reasons within a long-distance relationship: jealousy, a lack of communication, boundary crossing, unfulfilled needs or expectations, frustration at the circumstances, etc.

It's best to address conflict "head-on" whenever it starts brewing in a long-distance relationship, Casimiro says. Research shows that people within successful long-distance relationships tend to resolve conflict more quickly rather than letting it fester and breed resentment.

"By maintaining trust and transparency, it can build security in the relationship," Casimiro says.

7. Know that there are benefits

Long-distance works great—and is even preferable—for some people.

For those with busy lifestyles, it can be easier to maintain long-distance relationships that allow them to spend more time on other parts of their lives and less on constantly seeing their partner.

"When I first started my therapy internship, my husband was deployed in Saudi Arabia. I was grateful that I wasn't having to show up in our relationship because I was exhausted by the end of the day, and what energy I did have went to our three kids. It worked for us, and it works for many other couples as well," Lucero says.

8. Discuss your shared goals for the future

How long will this distance last? Where do you see us as a couple in five years? What do you want to do with your life—and how do I fit into that?

One of the most common reasons long-distance relationships end is that they fail to progress to the next level, research shows. It's important to have conversations about the future in any kind of relationship to make sure you're on the same page.

Challenges arise in long-distance relationships when life goals change, according to Lucero. But those aren't insurmountable if you're open to communicating about the future and how your lives will adapt to changing goals.

"There can also be uncertainty about the future in long-distance relationships," Casimiro says. "It can be helpful to have ongoing conversations about the long-term goals of the relationship and how you both will be working together to achieve those goals."

Resources for people in long-distance relationships

Who says you can't have fun in a long-distance relationship? The distance allows for a lot of opportunities to surprise your partner with gifts, creative date night activities, and have deep and intentional conversations.

The takeaway

As is the case with most things in life, you get what you give in long-distance relationships. Maintaining a healthy long-distance relationship takes effort, communication, and commitment. It's also important for people in long-distance relationships to communicate their boundaries and expectations for the relationship (and make time to have fun with each other).

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